Recently someone asked me how it was possible to love a kid, even when he drives you nuts!!! As a young, unmarried girl she was having a hard time understanding how it's possible to not let the "you're driving me crazy" feeling take over and become stronger than the "OMG you're the cutest thing ever" feeling. I struggled to explain and couldn't come up with much at the time, other than to say, "It just is that way!". But then it got me to thinking and maybe this will help her understand!
It all started when I saw that little pink line on the test. First the panic set in... the "OMG, we can't take this back now, are we ready for this?" panic. But after a few weeks when I lost my waist (yes just a short few... by 10 wks I had already gained 10lbs!!!), the love started growing as well. When I felt that first flutter of butterflies in my tummy, it solidified that little feeling of love. But let me be honest. When I was early in my pregnancy I started thinking about what kind of baby I was hoping for. Obviously the main thing was having a healthy baby, but for me it was crucial that I had a girl. I only ever wanted a girl. I didn't have any brothers myself, didn't have any boy best friends... in short, I didn't have a clue what I would ever do if I had a boy. I didn't know how I would play with him and I didn't (and still don't) like talking about poop and private parts. I even joked that if I had a boy I might be tempted to give him up for adoption and try again!!! Ok, I was kind of joking, but in the back of my mind, I was also a little bit serious!!!
Fast forward to 3 1/2 weeks before my due date. I had an appointment with my midwife and she was concerned the baby might have turned and might be breech. She sent me for an ultrasound just to make sure. That day I saw the face of my baby and it looked amazing, not at all like the alien I had seen in the 2 earlier ultrasounds! Again, I felt that love growing. 4 days later I went into labour. 11 hours after my water broke I met the most amazing little baby I'd ever seen in my life. And it was a BOY!!!!! Funny though, as soon as I heard the words "it's a boy" adoption didn't even enter my mind! It was love at first sight.
That first year was rough. Evan didn't sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time. Actually, that lasted for almost 2 years!!! (Ok, if I'm honest, it's only been in the last 6 months that E has been sleeping through the night consistently and he's 5 1/2 now!!!!) And, yes, I was exhausted and no, he wasn't always an angel, but the miracle of watching him grow and learn was enough to keep me going.
And still now, that's what keeps me going and gets me through the not so perfect days. When Evan almost died the first time he tried a peanut, it also showed me how fragile this little life actually is. So, sometimes when he's driving me mental and I'm ready to say "go play in traffic", I close my eyes and think of how it felt to almost lose him that night almost 3 years ago.
If I could explain this love to Sarah now, I'd say that the love of your child is truly unconditional and truly like no other love you could ever experience. I look at my child and think how amazing he is, how he's the smartest 5 year old I've ever seen, how he's the most handsome boy in the world and the most compassionate. And I truly believe all of these things. And every mother I know thinks that of their own child. It's a kind of love that makes you excited to be a hockey mom, even though you despise cold arenas! It's the kind of love that makes you dress up for Halloween even when you hate costumes. Really, it is a kind of love that takes over your heart and soul.